After the first few dates, I slept with this girl I've been seeing two days ago. I am reluctant to call her my girlfriend because after the first time we actually did it, she was laying next to me and asked, "so what are we, friends with benefits?"
And I said "yes."
It didn't upset me that she said friends with benefits and not girlfriend. I had already told her that I was not looking for a monogamous relationship, implying that all I wanted to do was hang out and screw. So her guess was pretty accurate, because to be honest she's flat out loony tunes. And she drinks like a fish - and she's kind of mean on top of all that.
For instance, the other night she's laying next to me and she says, "I don't think you understand how much I like you."
"Oh?" I say. And she gets up in a huff and rolls over and says "you always say the wrong thing."
And I just laughed, "okay." Games.
After awhile she gets cuddly again. She smells like a hangover.
We start to fool around, and I do the responsible thing and get up to put a condom on. When I get back to the bed, she's froze up. So I lie down next to her wondering what the hell it was I did this time. More games.
Next thing I know she pulls this rollover move that removes the condom, and she mounts me before I realize what has happened. I pull out and push her off, and go to get another condom. Once I get back to bed she's froze up again. I go to mount her, to continue the moment and she says, "oh no you had your chance - go to bed." Crazy games.
I slept the night, left in the morning, and haven't called her since. That was two days ago.
Update Aug 5: I got a text at 2 this morning from her that said, "Hope you are having a good week I'll see you around take care." At 10am I responded, "OK you too sounds good."
Problem solved.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Hovering Blog Subscription Ads' Inevitable Result
I've noticed a disturbing trend in blogging lately, and that is a roving, hovering "ad" of sorts that is timed to enter the screen and cover, yes, COVER the words you are currently reading. Sometimes the ad is for some product or website, but more recently I have noticed that it is usually an ad for the blog itself.
Let's breakdown the scenario here. While surfing the net, you happen upon a webpage, often a blog, that contains content that you find yourself interested in. You stop to read or browse to see if you are interested further. Just as you get to the fourth or fifth sentence - which is usually still the introduction stage of most writing, before the true meat of the article, before you even know if you might want to keep reading this particular article or not - an ad intrudes your view and forces you to click it away to continue reading the article. Minor annoyance it may seem, but I say hardly.
Let's explore the logic here. You visit a website. You observe the page for, say, twenty seconds. You have stayed long enough to pass the ADD test - you MUST be dying to join the RSS feed and I mean right away! I mean, you want to join up SO FAST that you don't even want to FINISH reading this article!! You just want to join now and forget about us giving you time to decide on your own. Forget about a little TACT, say, perhaps using a more subtle technique. Something fucking polite like having your last paragraph casually mention, "Did you enjoy this article? Join our RSS feed!" But I guess genius ideas like this are too much for a blogger to manage. Instead they want to find the world's most annoying plug-in and turn their blog into a goddamn menace.
Note to bloggers: I inevitably navigate away from your website when you force feed ads of any kind, especially a subscription invite. I don't care if what I was reading was a recipe or a plan to end world hunger. I don't care if it was the cutest fucking lolcat meme the world has ever known. I don't care if you want to give me a free Wal Mart giftcard or a laptop or even a fucking million dollars. All I want to do is get away from your website as fast as possible. Forget what you had to say, FUCK YOU and go to hell.
Here's why: If you are so eager for a fan base to subscribe to your blog that you can't even give someone the courtesy of being able to READ YOUR WORK before you shove an ad in their face, then I can only respond by being MORE EAGER to get the fuck away. Sometimes I have even blocked your domain so I am never bothered by your pesky, clingy, starving for attention, loser-ass, self-worthless pathetic bloggers life again.
Fucking douchebags. Get a clue!
Let's breakdown the scenario here. While surfing the net, you happen upon a webpage, often a blog, that contains content that you find yourself interested in. You stop to read or browse to see if you are interested further. Just as you get to the fourth or fifth sentence - which is usually still the introduction stage of most writing, before the true meat of the article, before you even know if you might want to keep reading this particular article or not - an ad intrudes your view and forces you to click it away to continue reading the article. Minor annoyance it may seem, but I say hardly.
Let's explore the logic here. You visit a website. You observe the page for, say, twenty seconds. You have stayed long enough to pass the ADD test - you MUST be dying to join the RSS feed and I mean right away! I mean, you want to join up SO FAST that you don't even want to FINISH reading this article!! You just want to join now and forget about us giving you time to decide on your own. Forget about a little TACT, say, perhaps using a more subtle technique. Something fucking polite like having your last paragraph casually mention, "Did you enjoy this article? Join our RSS feed!" But I guess genius ideas like this are too much for a blogger to manage. Instead they want to find the world's most annoying plug-in and turn their blog into a goddamn menace.
Note to bloggers: I inevitably navigate away from your website when you force feed ads of any kind, especially a subscription invite. I don't care if what I was reading was a recipe or a plan to end world hunger. I don't care if it was the cutest fucking lolcat meme the world has ever known. I don't care if you want to give me a free Wal Mart giftcard or a laptop or even a fucking million dollars. All I want to do is get away from your website as fast as possible. Forget what you had to say, FUCK YOU and go to hell.
Here's why: If you are so eager for a fan base to subscribe to your blog that you can't even give someone the courtesy of being able to READ YOUR WORK before you shove an ad in their face, then I can only respond by being MORE EAGER to get the fuck away. Sometimes I have even blocked your domain so I am never bothered by your pesky, clingy, starving for attention, loser-ass, self-worthless pathetic bloggers life again.
Fucking douchebags. Get a clue!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Landlords Display Oblivious Inconsideration
An hour and a half ago I was woken up by an argument outside my door. It was my landlords. They were arguing about whether I would be bothered by a dumpster parked in the driveway. Seriously. A dumpster. Parked. In. The. Fucking. Driveway. At 11:30 on a work night. At this moment, hypothetically, which am I more likely to be bothered by? Which is more inconsiderate: waking someone up out of a beautiful sleep, or parking a nice quiet dumpster sometime in the near future - most likely when I am not asleep?
Apparently, this one is too much for my landlords to figure out on their own.
Not wanting to get dressed just to point out the obvious to people who are at least ten years older than me - and should certainly known better - I turned on my front porch light instead. You know, in that laid-back country way, sort of to silently say, "WHAT IN THE FUCK-ALL IS THAT RACKET OUTSIDE MY DOOR AT GODDAMN MIDNIGHT!?"
To give them a moment to contemplate the effect their argument was having on their good-money-paying tenant, I left the light on and went to take a piss.
Upon return from the bathroom I realized that they were still arguing.
It is now 1 am, and I can't get back to sleep. Instead of laying in bed thinking about how much of assholes my landlords are and how I didn't sleep for shit last night and - good God - I don' t need two fucking insomniac nights in a row, I'm looking for a new place on craigslist instead.
Apparently, this one is too much for my landlords to figure out on their own.
Not wanting to get dressed just to point out the obvious to people who are at least ten years older than me - and should certainly known better - I turned on my front porch light instead. You know, in that laid-back country way, sort of to silently say, "WHAT IN THE FUCK-ALL IS THAT RACKET OUTSIDE MY DOOR AT GODDAMN MIDNIGHT!?"
To give them a moment to contemplate the effect their argument was having on their good-money-paying tenant, I left the light on and went to take a piss.
Upon return from the bathroom I realized that they were still arguing.
It is now 1 am, and I can't get back to sleep. Instead of laying in bed thinking about how much of assholes my landlords are and how I didn't sleep for shit last night and - good God - I don' t need two fucking insomniac nights in a row, I'm looking for a new place on craigslist instead.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Self Check Out: A Word to The Wise
Many grocery stores have self-serve checkout lanes designed primarily for decreasing payroll, with an assumed positive side-effect of having faster check outs for those in a rush. That is if some stupid fucking idiot doesn't get in line with a cart full of produce. Earth to dick head: LEAVE IT TO THE PROS! If you don't know the code for those vegetables, don't get in the self serve line. If you have more than a few things, DON'T GET IN THE SELF SERVE LINE.
Let's go over that for the mentally challenged dip shits I see fouling this up every day. The rules for self-service grocery store check-out lanes are as follows. DO NOT USE IF:
- you have more than a few items
- you have non-scanable items (produce, etc.)
- you have KIDS!
- you have alcohol
- you have no fucking idea what to do
Seems simple enough yet always there's some pond scum piece of shit that doesn't get it.
Let's go over that for the mentally challenged dip shits I see fouling this up every day. The rules for self-service grocery store check-out lanes are as follows. DO NOT USE IF:
- you have more than a few items
- you have non-scanable items (produce, etc.)
- you have KIDS!
- you have alcohol
- you have no fucking idea what to do
Seems simple enough yet always there's some pond scum piece of shit that doesn't get it.
Friday, June 4, 2010
A Note to Prius Drivers
It could be different in your town, but where I live, drivers' fundamental personality can be categorized by what they drive. Some are evil. There are specific brands and models of vehicles that carry the most treacherous, most insipid, most dangerous drivers on the road. And as far as I've noticed, it's not what you'd expect.
You're thinking drunk drivers. Christmas In July Hyundai ricers driven 100 mph by teenage punks, or corvettes driven by middle age coke fiends. Lifted full size mud-tire pickups with confederate flag regalia, or the typical nearsighted little old lady swerving the Olds 88 who can barely see over the steering wheel - let alone reach the pedals.
No.
The drivers that leave the greatest wake of disaster behind them, the ones that have the most detrimental effect upon the flow of traffic, the ones that aggravate everyone except themselves, and ultimately do nothing but increase road rage, lowering the quality of life on the road for us all... I'm talking about the ones who leave a shock wave of blight behind them 50 cars deep.
I'm talking about the Prius drivers. Or anything hybrid for that matter. These people seem to think it's their fucking job to regulate speed, and Save The Planet from all of us having to use all that terrible evil gas. They drive so fucking SLOW. Nearly every time I am stuck in a line 20 cars deep behind some clueless bone head, it turns out to be a goddamn hybrid. Perhaps these vehicles are slow to start with, being the half-bred overpriced mercury-polluting hunks of shit that they are. But I suspect it has to more do with the mentality of the drivers in question, and more fundamentally, the self-righteous nature of the typical hybrid purchaser. In some cases, it involves their vendetta against society, which in my opinion is borderline clinical sociopath behavior.
Think about this, hybrid drivers: Momentum is the best fuel saver out there. And when you hold us all back thinking you're being all green, you're really fucking up the planet all the more, because then we all have to stop at the light that turned red because no one was coming along. Then we all have to start from a standstill instead of just flowing through the green light at the proper speed limit - had you not so conveniently been in our way for the last five miles. Then when the road opens up to two lanes in another mile, even more gas gets guzzled because all of us are like, "FUCK gotta make up for that lost time!" and we floor it to get around your dumb ass and finally get up to the speed that we were all supposed to be in the first place. Using up tons more GAS in the process. Way more than if we had just all been allowed to cruise the proper speed. I'm not gonna speculate the math, but it's reasonable to see what I'm getting at here. Okay let's speculate 20x more gas used.
This message is not just for the hybrid drivers, because there are a few more of you out there who drive what you drive and you are a fucking scourge to the roads for the same reasons outlined above. Let's recap: your Goodie Goodie Two Shoes slow-ass save-the-world driving is actually fucking up the world. Okay?
Here are the other offenders and suspects, and why:
With the exception of the WRX model, all Subarus young and old. These tree hugging self- righteous uber liberals have no idea what their boxer engine and drive train are capable of. They take turns as if they were afraid of their "SUV" rolling over. It's a shame that they are completely ignorant of the grip through turns that their drive train gives them. Fucking clueless. Add to that all the "No Blood for Oil" stickers and you've got a group that loves to dole out speed regulations, just like the hybrid driver. Automotive-activist bastards.
My next offender is any late model Toyota Corrola, but for an entirely different reason. These people are punishers, and often of the Catholic persuasion. The Rosary beads hanging on the rear view mirror are a dead give away. They drive slow, slow, slow - IN THE LEFT LANE. They are often old, and like our hybrid and Subaru friends, love to force vehicular penance upon us.
Next up? A tie between Toyota Rav 4 and Honda CRV - if you didn't know the difference you might get them confused, but basically these vehicles are pretend SUV's and the people who drive them are often of the hippie persuasion - or they keep it well hidden. They go camping and wanted a truck to take them there, but their inner environmentalist wouldn't let them.
And last we have the soccer moms and their VW Passats. Look out. They're so busy goo-gooing at the baby - or yelling at the kids - in the back seat to ever notice the speed limit, let alone traffic lights.
Other usual suspects: Hyundai, KIA - no need to comment there!
All of you please get a clue. Locate the accelerator and fucking learn how to use it. Or get out of the way! If you see even three or four cars behind you - especially that ass hole tailgater - PULL THE FUCK OVER and let the people who aren't on permanent mental vacation take over leading the pack. Christ! If you're not in a hurry then what will it hurt pulling over for a few minutes? Think, people.
You're thinking drunk drivers. Christmas In July Hyundai ricers driven 100 mph by teenage punks, or corvettes driven by middle age coke fiends. Lifted full size mud-tire pickups with confederate flag regalia, or the typical nearsighted little old lady swerving the Olds 88 who can barely see over the steering wheel - let alone reach the pedals.
No.
The drivers that leave the greatest wake of disaster behind them, the ones that have the most detrimental effect upon the flow of traffic, the ones that aggravate everyone except themselves, and ultimately do nothing but increase road rage, lowering the quality of life on the road for us all... I'm talking about the ones who leave a shock wave of blight behind them 50 cars deep.
I'm talking about the Prius drivers. Or anything hybrid for that matter. These people seem to think it's their fucking job to regulate speed, and Save The Planet from all of us having to use all that terrible evil gas. They drive so fucking SLOW. Nearly every time I am stuck in a line 20 cars deep behind some clueless bone head, it turns out to be a goddamn hybrid. Perhaps these vehicles are slow to start with, being the half-bred overpriced mercury-polluting hunks of shit that they are. But I suspect it has to more do with the mentality of the drivers in question, and more fundamentally, the self-righteous nature of the typical hybrid purchaser. In some cases, it involves their vendetta against society, which in my opinion is borderline clinical sociopath behavior.
Think about this, hybrid drivers: Momentum is the best fuel saver out there. And when you hold us all back thinking you're being all green, you're really fucking up the planet all the more, because then we all have to stop at the light that turned red because no one was coming along. Then we all have to start from a standstill instead of just flowing through the green light at the proper speed limit - had you not so conveniently been in our way for the last five miles. Then when the road opens up to two lanes in another mile, even more gas gets guzzled because all of us are like, "FUCK gotta make up for that lost time!" and we floor it to get around your dumb ass and finally get up to the speed that we were all supposed to be in the first place. Using up tons more GAS in the process. Way more than if we had just all been allowed to cruise the proper speed. I'm not gonna speculate the math, but it's reasonable to see what I'm getting at here. Okay let's speculate 20x more gas used.
This message is not just for the hybrid drivers, because there are a few more of you out there who drive what you drive and you are a fucking scourge to the roads for the same reasons outlined above. Let's recap: your Goodie Goodie Two Shoes slow-ass save-the-world driving is actually fucking up the world. Okay?
Here are the other offenders and suspects, and why:
With the exception of the WRX model, all Subarus young and old. These tree hugging self- righteous uber liberals have no idea what their boxer engine and drive train are capable of. They take turns as if they were afraid of their "SUV" rolling over. It's a shame that they are completely ignorant of the grip through turns that their drive train gives them. Fucking clueless. Add to that all the "No Blood for Oil" stickers and you've got a group that loves to dole out speed regulations, just like the hybrid driver. Automotive-activist bastards.
My next offender is any late model Toyota Corrola, but for an entirely different reason. These people are punishers, and often of the Catholic persuasion. The Rosary beads hanging on the rear view mirror are a dead give away. They drive slow, slow, slow - IN THE LEFT LANE. They are often old, and like our hybrid and Subaru friends, love to force vehicular penance upon us.
Next up? A tie between Toyota Rav 4 and Honda CRV - if you didn't know the difference you might get them confused, but basically these vehicles are pretend SUV's and the people who drive them are often of the hippie persuasion - or they keep it well hidden. They go camping and wanted a truck to take them there, but their inner environmentalist wouldn't let them.
And last we have the soccer moms and their VW Passats. Look out. They're so busy goo-gooing at the baby - or yelling at the kids - in the back seat to ever notice the speed limit, let alone traffic lights.
Other usual suspects: Hyundai, KIA - no need to comment there!
All of you please get a clue. Locate the accelerator and fucking learn how to use it. Or get out of the way! If you see even three or four cars behind you - especially that ass hole tailgater - PULL THE FUCK OVER and let the people who aren't on permanent mental vacation take over leading the pack. Christ! If you're not in a hurry then what will it hurt pulling over for a few minutes? Think, people.
Monday, May 24, 2010
(Why) Won't It Blend?!
Did you know you can spend $500 on a blender? A fucking blender. Here is a kitchen appliance that does ONE THING, blend - it should anyway, having such a short job description. Even if you spent that $500, I would be surprised if even the Vitamix could do its job properly. By proper I mean that it should bust it out - 30 seconds or less. By proper I mean if you make a smoothie it makes it smooth. No chunks. They don't call it a fucking chunkie for a reason, okay? A blender should blend. Proper blending. Is that too much to ask?
Incredibly, I have purchased three blenders in the past year. With the first two, I ended up with the same model blender, the $25 Oster 6694 (similar model). The first one I had to bequeath to my ex-roommate when we went our separate ways. When this particular blender made a smoothie, though, it came out smooth. Smooth! Granted, you had to have the perfect ingredient consistency, or else the thicker part of the mixture would get stuck above a small reservoir of liquid below, and the blades would just go and go - doing nothing whatsoever. I attributed this problem to the tapered shape of the pitcher, but a little shake (with the blender off, of course) seemed to do the trick. The design of the blades - however subtle compared to other blenders - quite simply pulverized ice and frozen fruit. Add to that the all-metal drive train and a glass pitcher, and you've got a damn good unit for the money.
But the motor was some cheap Chinese replica of a motor that would actually get the job done, were it not built as cheaply as possible by child labor. I found this out the hard way when I bought the second one to replace the first. The motor was a pathetic wimpy piece of shit right out of the box. It had a ghost high-low transmission that would vibrate, strain and stutter under even the easiest workload. To get the speeds to work at the proper speed I had to start at full power and then come down in power, which destroyed the delicacy of some recipes. Finally, one day, the excess vibration rattled the thing off the counter and the glass jar smashed on the ground. It made an unbelievable mess, and I vowed to not get suckered into Oster's veritable Russian roulette of quality again.
My third and current blender is the $35 Black and Decker Cyclone. This thing is a real POS. The Oster is just a replica piece of shit, this is the real deal! The motor is the only thing worth shit on the Cyclone, and even that isn't all that great. Best thing about it is it doesn't explode when I'm running the thing for 5 fucking minutes straight trying to get all the fruit chunks blended. You see, the shape of the pitcher creates pockets of liquid underneath suspended half-blended muck. Every. Fucking. Time. The blade shape doesn't do a good job blending any food ingredient known to mankind. I mean, this thing can't blend fucking ICE CREAM into a smoothie to save it's life. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse, run for a minute, pulse, pulse, pulse. Repeat until contemplating suicide. Repeat again. Pour out the half-mixture into a glass, pour back in and start all over again. Run for several minutes, or just give in to the fact that your drink will not be blended no matter what you do. Get ready to chew your chunkie. Were it not for the fact that I DO NOT want to buy another blender in the near future, this thing would have been put out of my misery immediately after purchase: with a trip to my private rifle range.
Another thing about blenders, the names of the different speeds, for the most part, are just ridiculous. Rare is the blender that has a logical speed indicator system, such as, I don't know, NUMBERS?? Instead they have to come up with 14 synonyms for blend. Jesus fucking Christ. A convenient example can be read right off of my Cyclone blender. In order the exact speeds are: Stir, Aerate, Puree, Chop, Blend, Clean, Grate, Grind, Liquify, and Smoothie. Are you fucking kidding me? GRIND!? What about crush, shred, mince, beat, whip and cream? What about masticate? Pulverize?! Pulpify!!! Good Lord. Numbers would be just fine. Am I supposed to believe you simply cannot grate something on the grind setting? Fucking ridiculous. Who ever heard of a blender beating, grinding, grating, mincing or shredding anyway? Blenders can't do any of that, let alone blend.
If I can get the Cyclone POS to break (God please if only that fucking motor would die!) then I'll have to buy another blender. I'm a big fan of multiple speeds and glass jars. As far as I know, even the Blendtec - star of the Will It Blend meme - has only Lexan (polycarbonate) pitchers. Which is a shame because Lexan scratches and harbors bacteria, and also is suspected of leeching PBA's. Gross! Waring Pro has a one speed blender that reportedly kicks ass, but the pitcher is small and is stainless - cool, but not see through. And the one speed is a deal-killer for me, so the glass models are out. There are mid-priced blenders like the Cuisinart, but these are usually just sheep in wolves clothing: you pay double for the name and get a stylized version of a piece of shit.
Will even the $350 - $500 "professional" blenders give hope for a good blend? The only experience I have with these is at Keva Juice, where they use Vitamix brand blenders. I have noticed that if the bananas are green, it throws off the consistency/ratio, and even the top of the line industrial Vitamix has to be run through two cycles to get a good blend.
At this point, considering the five minutes until not blended performance I'm getting now, the $500 two short cycles of the Vitamix sounds pretty fucking tempting.
There is no price you can put on the frustration of a whole year of using shitbox blenders.
Incredibly, I have purchased three blenders in the past year. With the first two, I ended up with the same model blender, the $25 Oster 6694 (similar model). The first one I had to bequeath to my ex-roommate when we went our separate ways. When this particular blender made a smoothie, though, it came out smooth. Smooth! Granted, you had to have the perfect ingredient consistency, or else the thicker part of the mixture would get stuck above a small reservoir of liquid below, and the blades would just go and go - doing nothing whatsoever. I attributed this problem to the tapered shape of the pitcher, but a little shake (with the blender off, of course) seemed to do the trick. The design of the blades - however subtle compared to other blenders - quite simply pulverized ice and frozen fruit. Add to that the all-metal drive train and a glass pitcher, and you've got a damn good unit for the money.
But the motor was some cheap Chinese replica of a motor that would actually get the job done, were it not built as cheaply as possible by child labor. I found this out the hard way when I bought the second one to replace the first. The motor was a pathetic wimpy piece of shit right out of the box. It had a ghost high-low transmission that would vibrate, strain and stutter under even the easiest workload. To get the speeds to work at the proper speed I had to start at full power and then come down in power, which destroyed the delicacy of some recipes. Finally, one day, the excess vibration rattled the thing off the counter and the glass jar smashed on the ground. It made an unbelievable mess, and I vowed to not get suckered into Oster's veritable Russian roulette of quality again.
My third and current blender is the $35 Black and Decker Cyclone. This thing is a real POS. The Oster is just a replica piece of shit, this is the real deal! The motor is the only thing worth shit on the Cyclone, and even that isn't all that great. Best thing about it is it doesn't explode when I'm running the thing for 5 fucking minutes straight trying to get all the fruit chunks blended. You see, the shape of the pitcher creates pockets of liquid underneath suspended half-blended muck. Every. Fucking. Time. The blade shape doesn't do a good job blending any food ingredient known to mankind. I mean, this thing can't blend fucking ICE CREAM into a smoothie to save it's life. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse, run for a minute, pulse, pulse, pulse. Repeat until contemplating suicide. Repeat again. Pour out the half-mixture into a glass, pour back in and start all over again. Run for several minutes, or just give in to the fact that your drink will not be blended no matter what you do. Get ready to chew your chunkie. Were it not for the fact that I DO NOT want to buy another blender in the near future, this thing would have been put out of my misery immediately after purchase: with a trip to my private rifle range.
Another thing about blenders, the names of the different speeds, for the most part, are just ridiculous. Rare is the blender that has a logical speed indicator system, such as, I don't know, NUMBERS?? Instead they have to come up with 14 synonyms for blend. Jesus fucking Christ. A convenient example can be read right off of my Cyclone blender. In order the exact speeds are: Stir, Aerate, Puree, Chop, Blend, Clean, Grate, Grind, Liquify, and Smoothie. Are you fucking kidding me? GRIND!? What about crush, shred, mince, beat, whip and cream? What about masticate? Pulverize?! Pulpify!!! Good Lord. Numbers would be just fine. Am I supposed to believe you simply cannot grate something on the grind setting? Fucking ridiculous. Who ever heard of a blender beating, grinding, grating, mincing or shredding anyway? Blenders can't do any of that, let alone blend.
If I can get the Cyclone POS to break (God please if only that fucking motor would die!) then I'll have to buy another blender. I'm a big fan of multiple speeds and glass jars. As far as I know, even the Blendtec - star of the Will It Blend meme - has only Lexan (polycarbonate) pitchers. Which is a shame because Lexan scratches and harbors bacteria, and also is suspected of leeching PBA's. Gross! Waring Pro has a one speed blender that reportedly kicks ass, but the pitcher is small and is stainless - cool, but not see through. And the one speed is a deal-killer for me, so the glass models are out. There are mid-priced blenders like the Cuisinart, but these are usually just sheep in wolves clothing: you pay double for the name and get a stylized version of a piece of shit.
Will even the $350 - $500 "professional" blenders give hope for a good blend? The only experience I have with these is at Keva Juice, where they use Vitamix brand blenders. I have noticed that if the bananas are green, it throws off the consistency/ratio, and even the top of the line industrial Vitamix has to be run through two cycles to get a good blend.
At this point, considering the five minutes until not blended performance I'm getting now, the $500 two short cycles of the Vitamix sounds pretty fucking tempting.
There is no price you can put on the frustration of a whole year of using shitbox blenders.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Stupid Things You Always Hear
Why do cashiers say, "did you find everything OK?" It's such an exceptionally stupid question. It isn't even entirely clear what they are asking. Do they mean did you find everything you were looking for OK? Or do they mean was everything you found OK? Either way, the fact is they don't fucking CARE if you found anything at all, OK or not. They're a fucking cashier. Since it's such a dumb question, I like to use my superior intellect and make fun of them: "Yes, everything I found seemed to be OK." Best part is they never get the joke.
Just for fun, to prove my theory to myself that this is a worthless question asked without the slightest tinge of sincerity, sometimes I will say, "no." Take for example, today. I was at K-Mart and couldn't find black socks in the brand I like. They had white all over the place, and even in the boys section they had black and white in that brand but only white for the men (moron alert: shit-for-brains in purchasing!). So when I checked out, naturally the cashier posited her superficial question of pretending to give a shit. I explained the situation, and she goes, "huh that's weird," and just continued to check out my things.
OPEN QUESTION TO ALL CASHIERS: Why do you waste everyone's time asking a question that we all know - including you - that you aren't going to do shit about no matter what the answer is? WHY?!?!
I'm so fucking sick of that question, I feel like going postal next time someone asks it. Fucking pain in the ass mother fuckers.
Just for fun, to prove my theory to myself that this is a worthless question asked without the slightest tinge of sincerity, sometimes I will say, "no." Take for example, today. I was at K-Mart and couldn't find black socks in the brand I like. They had white all over the place, and even in the boys section they had black and white in that brand but only white for the men (moron alert: shit-for-brains in purchasing!). So when I checked out, naturally the cashier posited her superficial question of pretending to give a shit. I explained the situation, and she goes, "huh that's weird," and just continued to check out my things.
OPEN QUESTION TO ALL CASHIERS: Why do you waste everyone's time asking a question that we all know - including you - that you aren't going to do shit about no matter what the answer is? WHY?!?!
I'm so fucking sick of that question, I feel like going postal next time someone asks it. Fucking pain in the ass mother fuckers.
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