A Note to Prius Drivers

It could be different in your town, but where I live, drivers' fundamental personality can be categorized by what they drive. Some are evil. There are specific brands and models of vehicles that carry the most treacherous, most insipid, most dangerous drivers on the road. And as far as I've noticed, it's not what you'd expect.

You're thinking drunk drivers. Christmas In July Hyundai ricers driven 100 mph by teenage punks, or corvettes driven by middle age coke fiends. Lifted full size mud-tire pickups with confederate flag regalia, or the typical nearsighted little old lady swerving the Olds 88 who can barely see over the steering wheel - let alone reach the pedals.

No.

The drivers that leave the greatest wake of disaster behind them, the ones that have the most detrimental effect upon the flow of traffic, the ones that aggravate everyone except themselves, and ultimately do nothing but increase road rage, lowering the quality of life on the road for us all... I'm talking about the ones who leave a shock wave of blight behind them 50 cars deep.

I'm talking about the Prius drivers. Or anything hybrid for that matter. These people seem to think it's their fucking job to regulate speed, and Save The Planet from all of us having to use all that terrible evil gas. They drive so fucking SLOW. Nearly every time I am stuck in a line 20 cars deep behind some clueless bone head, it turns out to be a goddamn hybrid. Perhaps these vehicles are slow to start with, being the half-bred overpriced mercury-polluting hunks of shit that they are. But I suspect it has to more do with the mentality of the drivers in question, and more fundamentally, the self-righteous nature of the typical hybrid purchaser. In some cases, it involves their vendetta against society, which in my opinion is borderline clinical sociopath behavior.

Think about this, hybrid drivers: Momentum is the best fuel saver out there. And when you hold us all back thinking you're being all green, you're really fucking up the planet all the more, because then we all have to stop at the light that turned red because no one was coming along. Then we all have to start from a standstill instead of just flowing through the green light at the proper speed limit - had you not so conveniently been in our way for the last five miles. Then when the road opens up to two lanes in another mile, even more gas gets guzzled because all of us are like, "FUCK gotta make up for that lost time!" and we floor it to get around your dumb ass and finally get up to the speed that we were all supposed to be in the first place. Using up tons more GAS in the process. Way more than if we had just all been allowed to cruise the proper speed. I'm not gonna speculate the math, but it's reasonable to see what I'm getting at here. Okay let's speculate 20x more gas used.

This message is not just for the hybrid drivers, because there are a few more of you out there who drive what you drive and you are a fucking scourge to the roads for the same reasons outlined above. Let's recap: your Goodie Goodie Two Shoes slow-ass save-the-world driving is actually fucking up the world. Okay?

Here are the other offenders and suspects, and why:

With the exception of the WRX model, all Subarus young and old. These tree hugging self- righteous uber liberals have no idea what their boxer engine and drive train are capable of. They take turns as if they were afraid of their "SUV" rolling over. It's a shame that they are completely ignorant of the grip through turns that their drive train gives them. Fucking clueless. Add to that all the "No Blood for Oil" stickers and you've got a group that loves to dole out speed regulations, just like the hybrid driver. Automotive-activist bastards.

My next offender is any late model Toyota Corrola, but for an entirely different reason. These people are punishers, and often of the Catholic persuasion. The Rosary beads hanging on the rear view mirror are a dead give away. They drive slow, slow, slow - IN THE LEFT LANE. They are often old, and like our hybrid and Subaru friends, love to force vehicular penance upon us.

Next up? A tie between Toyota Rav 4 and Honda CRV - if you didn't know the difference you might get them confused, but basically these vehicles are pretend SUV's and the people who drive them are often of the hippie persuasion - or they keep it well hidden. They go camping and wanted a truck to take them there, but their inner environmentalist wouldn't let them.

And last we have the soccer moms and their VW Passats. Look out. They're so busy goo-gooing at the baby - or yelling at the kids - in the back seat to ever notice the speed limit, let alone traffic lights.

Other usual suspects: Hyundai, KIA - no need to comment there!

All of you please get a clue. Locate the accelerator and fucking learn how to use it. Or get out of the way! If you see even three or four cars behind you - especially that ass hole tailgater - PULL THE FUCK OVER and let the people who aren't on permanent mental vacation take over leading the pack. Christ! If you're not in a hurry then what will it hurt pulling over for a few minutes? Think, people.